Why I Don't Do "Birth Plans" Anymore
Let me tell you about the birth plans I used to see as an L&D nurse.
Detailed. Thought-out. Written with so much care and intention.
And then labor would start. And things would... not go according to the plan.
Mom would be offered Pitocin. Or get an epidural earlier than she wanted. Or baby's heart rate would dip and suddenly we're talking about a C-section.
And I'd watch these moms—amazing, strong, prepared moms—feel like they'd failed. Like their birth was "wrong" because it didn't match what they'd envisioned.
That broke my heart every single time.
Because here's what I learned after almost a decade on the inside: Birth plans aren't inherently bad. But the way most first-time moms are taught to approach them? That sets them up for disappointment.
So let's talk about what actually helps you feel prepared for a hospital birth, without attaching your sense of success to a specific outcome.
The Problem With Traditional "Birth Plans"
Here's the issue: most birth plans are built around achieving specific outcomes.
I want to labor without an epidural
I don't want Pitocin
I want to avoid a C-section
I want delayed cord clamping
I want immediate skin-to-skin
And look, these are all valid preferences. I'm not saying you shouldn't have them.
But when you frame your entire birth around specific outcomes, here's what happens:
❌ Birth starts to feel like a test. And if things change (which they often do), it feels like you "failed."
❌ You become more focused on what you're trying to avoid than on how you're navigating what's actually happening.
❌ You lose sight of your own agency because you're measuring success against a predetermined script instead of your real-time decisions.
❌ You're more likely to leave feeling disappointed, even if you and baby are healthy and you made informed choices the whole way through.
That's bullshit. And we need to stop setting moms up for that.
What I Recommend Instead: Birth Wishes
Instead of a rigid birth plan, I help moms develop birth wishes, which is a mindset shift that changes everything.
Here's the difference:
Birth Plan Mindset:
Focused on specific outcomes. "I will not..." or "I must..." Leaves little room for flexibility. Birth feels like something you either "succeed" or "fail" at.
Birth Wishes Mindset:
Focused on how you want to feel and be treated. "I'd prefer..." or "It's important to me that..." Acknowledges that birth is unpredictable. Success is measured by how informed and supported you felt, not by which interventions you did or didn't have.
Birth wishes center your values, not just your preferences. The written document you bring to your birth may visually look like a traditional birth plan, but the discussion and intentions put into building it are what make the difference.
Why This Matters Especially in a Hospital Setting
If you're planning a hospital birth, you need to understand something:
Hospitals operate within protocols, timelines, and safety standards. That's not inherently bad, it's just reality.
You can't walk into Barton Memorial (or any hospital) expecting complete control over every single variable. That's not how institutional care works.
But here's what you can do:
✅ Get clear on your core values so you know what's worth advocating for
✅ Prepare for flexibility without feeling like you're "giving up"
✅ Know how to ask the right questions in the moment instead of rigidly holding to a pre-written script
✅ Advocate for your preferences while also staying open to guidance when circumstances change
When you approach hospital birth with wishes instead of demands, here's what I've seen happen:
Better ability to roll with changes without feeling derailed
Less emotional whiplash when things shift
More satisfaction with your birth experience overall, even if it doesn't look like what you originally imagined
Because you're not measuring success by outcomes. You're measuring it by whether you felt respected, informed, and supported.
What to Actually Focus on in Your Birth Wishes
Okay, so if you're not building a plan around specific outcomes, what should you focus on?
Here's what I help first-time moms get clear on:
1. How You Want to Receive Information
Think about how you make decisions under pressure. Do you need:
All the details explained thoroughly?
Just the highlights so you don't get overwhelmed?
Time to process before deciding?
Your partner or doula to help translate medical jargon?
Knowing this ahead of time helps you communicate it when things get intense.
2. What Helps You Feel Safe and Supported
This is about understanding yourself. Do you:
Need verbal reassurance that you're doing well?
Prefer quiet and minimal talking during contractions?
Feel calmer with physical touch (hand-holding, counterpressure)?
Need space and don't want to be touched?
There's no right answer—just your answer. And knowing it means your support team can actually support you effectively.
3. Your Non-Negotiables vs. Your Preferences
Get honest about what's truly a core value versus what's just a preference.
Non-negotiable might be: "I want to be part of decision-making. I need to understand why something is being recommended before agreeing to it."
Preference might be: "I'd like to try laboring without an epidural, but I'm open to reassessing if things get too intense."
Understanding the difference means you know what's worth digging your heels in for, and what you can be flexible on without feeling like you've compromised your values.
4. How You Want to Navigate Decisions if Things Change
This is the one most moms skip, and it's the most important.
What if labor stalls? What if baby's heart rate drops? What if you need Pitocin or a C-section becomes necessary?
You don't need to decide NOW what you'd choose in those moments. But you can decide NOW:
How you want those conversations to happen
Who you want involved in the decision
Whether you need time to process (if there is time) or prefer your provider to take the lead in emergencies
This kind of preparation doesn't lock you into outcomes. It gives you a framework for staying grounded when things get unpredictable.
Letting Go of the "Birth Failure" Narrative (Because It's Toxic as Hell)
Here's what I need you to hear: Birth is not a test you pass or fail.
You don't get extra credit for going unmedicated. You don't lose points for getting an epidural. A C-section doesn't make you less of a mother. Needing Pitocin doesn't mean your body "didn't work."
What actually matters:
Were you treated with respect?
Did you feel heard?
Were you part of the decision-making process?
Did you feel supported through the hard moments?
Did you make informed choices based on your circumstances?
If the answer to those questions is yes? That's the true nature of a birth.
Even if it didn't unfold the way you imagined. Even if interventions were needed. Even if it was messy and unpredictable and nothing like the Instagram version.
When you prepare with flexible, values-based birth wishes instead of a rigid outcome-focused plan, you're way more likely to walk away feeling proud of how you navigated your experience.
And that? That's the actual goal.
The Preparation That Matters
So how do you prepare for a hospital birth without falling into the "birth plan trap"?
Here's what I recommend:
Get clear on your values first. Before you think about specific interventions or preferences, ask yourself: What kind of experience do I want to feel like I had, looking back? What matters most to me about how I'm treated and communicated with?
Learn about your options, not just your preferences. Understanding what interventions are, why they're offered, and what questions to ask is way more valuable than deciding ahead of time that you'll say no to everything.
Practice flexibility before labor starts. Birth will ask you to pivot. Practice that now. When plans change in daily life, how do you respond? Can you bring that same adaptability to labor?
Build your support team around your values. Your partner, your doula, your provider. Make sure they understand what matters most to you. Not just what you want to avoid, but how you want to feel and how you want to be supported.
Let go of the idea that there's a "right" way to give birth. There is only your way, and I want that to feel informed, supported, and respectful of you and your baby. That's it.
Final Thoughts: Prepare Your Mind, Not Just Your Plan
I want you to feel prepared for your hospital birth. I want you to know your options, understand your choices, and walk into that labor room feeling informed and confident.
But I don't want you to feel like your birth is only "successful" if it follows a specific script.
Because birth doesn't work that way. It's raw, unpredictable, and deeply personal. And the more you can release the need for it to look a certain way, the more you can actually be present for whatever your birth becomes.
That's what birth wishes help you do. They prepare your mindset, not just your plan. They help you feel ready.
Want Help Shifting Your Mindset Around Birth Preparation?
If you're struggling with how to prepare for your hospital birth without getting attached to a specific outcome, or if you've already got a plan but it's making you more anxious instead of less… let's talk.
I offer free Hospital Birth Readiness Checks for first-time moms planning a hospital birth in South Lake Tahoe and surrounding areas. We'll work through:
What really matters most to you (beyond just avoiding interventions)
How to stay flexible without feeling like you're giving up control
What kind of preparation will help you feel ready, not just what worked for someone else
You don't need a perfect plan. You need the right mindset.
Let's build that together.
